“And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.” ~Forrest Gump.
Now on to things that have been working their way through my brain.
The past two weeks have a theme. It centers around mis-handling of child molestation. I’m sure you’re aware there have been a lot of news stories and blogging to feed that theme.
- Penn State alleged cover-up of alleged sexual assault by Jerry Sandusky.
- Bob Jones University (my alma mater) appointing Chuck Phelps to its 2011 board. Chuck Phelps is the pastor who mis-handled Tina Andersen’s rape in 1997.
- ABWE’s (my parent’s mission board) mis-handling of Dr. Donn Ketcham, who allegedly molested MKs in Bangladesh 20 years ago.
- And, of course, the ongoing Catholic priest saga.
The question that is asked again and again is, Why do good men, who knew about the abuse, do nothing? Something my mother said to me when the ABWE story first started rumbling has stuck with me.
“You know, we just didn’t know everything about molestation that we know now,” she said.
I know she didn’t mean that molestation didn’t happen (she was quite aware they happened), but these things were handled consistently with whispers, embarrassment, closed doors and a-let’s-get-on-with-life-quickly attitude.
Because no one talked about it, folks were not aware of how rampant sexual abuse is. Now they’re talking, and we are shocked by the quality and quantity of the people who didn’t open their mouths. Why didn’t they tell?
I wonder if one reason is because people didn’t know that if abuse happens once, it is happening repeatedly… that there is rarely one victim. I would wager the silence keepers thought catching the one occurrence was the end of it.
I would argue the majority of people didn’t even think of the victims as victims! Here’s why: If an adult has no experience being molested, that adult has no working knowledge of the long-term psychological and emotional trauma it causes. Unless, they were educated to understand. And that education has been lacking until recently…especially in churches. That uneducated adult only has a working knowledge of consensual sex. That is not to say they wouldn’t believe someone could be forced, but they would have no knowledge of how an abuse victim reacts… often passively or protectively toward the abuser. That reaction would confuse the ignorant adult into thinking there was a consensus, hence we hear about so many taking the wrong first step of asking the victim to repent.
Especially among Christians. Forgiveness is the hinge of heaven, right? There is a prevalent reaction among the Christian leaders to emphasize forgiving the abuser, effecting a neglect of victim care. And as the victims are told to forgive and forget, there is often an impatience in the air to get on with it. I think of Tamar, David’s daughter. “Stop talking about it Tamar. Aren’t you over it already?” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.
So, to say “maybe they didn’t know any better,” is not an excuse for their silence. Well, maybe it is. I don’t want to excuse their silence. But the fact that sexual abuse was swept under the rug so often makes me wonder if there wasn’t a cultural dynamic at play. Like slavery in the antebellum South, there was a generational group-think that influenced behavior to the detriment of thousands.
This theme is personal.
If you’re like me, you might be thinking, “Have I silenced something that should have been exposed?” For the last two weeks, I’ve been combing every aspect of my ministry relations to children. But, I got nothing. Thankfully, Awana has been promoting Reducing the Risk since the 1990s, so I’ve had the education my mother recognized was lacking in her generation. That education has shaped how I work with children…to protect them and avoid potential allegations.
And, if you’re like me you might be thinking, “What about my kids?” Again, I think education is key. As soon as my kids began to talk, we talked about who can touch what and when. I stress over and over they should always tell me things that frighten them, and I even discussed Jerry Sandusky’s allegations with my oldest. I want her to know that silence in the case of abuse is NEVER okay. I encourage questions and I occasionally ask point-blank if anyone has tried to touch her inappropriately.
The embarrassment and whispering has to stop. Educate and speak up.